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(TV) Short Verlaine Interview



I figured if everyone on the internet can interview
anyone, why not me?  So I phoned up THE MAN and here
is what transpired.

Tom:  Hello.
Greg: Hi Tom?
T: Yeah, who's this.
G: Uh, my name's Greg, I'm the, uh...ambassador for
your fan mailing list...
T: (his voice sounds angry) The one that's trading
bootlegs?
G: Gosh no, that's Philip Obbard, Keith Allison and
Joe Hartley, I'll give you their e-mail addresses. 
I'd say Maurice Rickard was involved, but his head has
gotten to swollen.  He thinks he's bigger than you...
T:  whatever, how'd you get this number?
G: It was really easy, I told your manager I was a rep
from Export A Greens (note: Canadian death
cigerate)...
T: Ha ha ha, that's clever!
G: I am quite clever, anyways I have important
questions to ask you.
T: Well sure, why not?  Are you from Canada?
G: Uh, yeah I am eh.
T: Send me a carton of those smokes, unfiltered my
address is (edited out)
G: No way, I'll send two packs, they're like 10 bucks
cdn each you know.
T: Good deal, you get four questions...
G: Okay, why do you let Richard solo?
T: He's craaaazy man, he get's these cat eyes if I
take to many.  Plus rythym guitar is real easy and I
can have a smoke.
G: Cool, what's the best song you have ever written?
T: Tough question, not one I wasted on Television,
that's substandard stuff...uh...I can't answer that.
G: No fair, you owe me two more questions or I'm not
sending those smokes!
T: Awright, awright.
G: You are rumoured to be notoriously cheap, is this
true?
T: That rumour really pisses me off, it was started by
Steve Kilby who said I invited him to a bar because I
had two women on the line and I didn't want to buy
both of them drinks.  That's crap, why would I invite
him?  As a celebrity, women buy me drinks.  Besides,
if I was so cheap, why would I have kept an apartment
in both London, England and New York at one time? 
Rents are out of control in both places.  I'd say I'm
quite wild with my cash.
G:  Good point, that is in fact an excellent point,
why would a cheapskate keep two apartments?
T: Gotcha, that was phrased as a question!
G:  (laughs) you sure did, that still leaves me with
two more questions.  Have you ever been to the
Grammy's?
T: No, never...
G: (interupting) what?  You live in New York?
T: I think they are held in L.A.
G: Oh...
T: well NY or LA, I've never gone. 
G: That's just fucked, I've been there.
T: Really, how'd you get in?
G: Well it's complicated...I know Bono!
T: Really?  I'm a big fan!  The Edge honors me with
his guitar.
G: How kind of you to say that, I think it's
sacriledge on the new cd, it sucks by the way. Bono's
good buddies with our Prime Minister, Jean Poutine, no
it's Paul Martini now...Bono agreed to add Ottawa to
their tour date.
T: I plan to see them in New York.  I hope they
concentrate from the older material.
G: You should see if you can open,...anyways, enough
about me, what was it like being on Letterman.  I felt
it was totally ignorant of Patti Smyth not to let you
handle the interview.  Why didn't you guys play
"Warrior" for that matter?
T: I think your think of Richard Hell's ex-wife, Patti
has control issues, when her band is waning, I help
out because she's from the old scene...
G: Like Rock Scene, the magazine?
T: Never heard of it.
G: Speaking of magazines, in Trouser Press you said
yopu liked junk yards.  Why?  Junkyards smell?
T: I remember that interview, it was a fake.
G: Fuck, I hate when someone fakes an interview. 
What's your favorite painting?
T: Huh?
G:  well, you seem to like to talk weird shit in
interviews so I figured I'd give you a platform to go
from...
T: Gary...
G: That's Greg, the first time I heard myself on the
radio they called me Gary.  That really pisses me off!
T: Oh sorry, Greg, I do not really like paintings. 
People figured because I lifted Verlaine I like
paintings.  I don't.  I enjoy antiquing in New York,
watching home and garden on TV and I have a nice
little mail order business...
G: How can you watch home and Garden without a TV?
T: who says I don't have a TV?  That's just crazy
talk.  I love South Park, want to hear my Cartman
imitation?
G: Indeed...
T: (as Cartman) That Richard Hell is a crack ho'
G (laughs) They always waste Kenny...
T: Not always and you are out of questions, you owe me
three packs.
G: Okay thanks for your...

click  
 

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