(TV) humor

[jpontrelli@nallmiller.com]

This has nothing to do with TV, but it should give a chuckle to those in the know and maybe some not so in the know:

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."  "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

 "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified
 fooling machine."

 "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's
 what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

 "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to
 announce the lottery numbers."

 "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

 "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed
 over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That
 Couldn't Slow Down."

 "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life.
 Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was
 like that when I got here."

 "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

 "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to
 Dumps Ville. Population: you."

 "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that.
 Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

 "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how
 drunk you get."

 "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick
 to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

 "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really
 half-assed. That's the American way."

 "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those
 sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"

 "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy
 movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

 "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

 "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene."


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                                                          
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